


elegy for the arctic

by TenebrousFrost



Category: The Terror (TV 2018)
Genre: Bending the canon, F/M, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-09
Updated: 2020-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-01 03:48:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23078851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenebrousFrost/pseuds/TenebrousFrost
Summary: you know you were picked to accompany Captain Crozier on HMS Terror simply because you're a woman and he's seen not far from failure, but as strong-willed as you were always been, you don't mind how you ended up here, because your goal was always to be on a ship, in open seas. but something you think you left back home did come with you on board.
Relationships: Captain Francis Crozier/Reader, Francis Crozier/Reader
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	elegy for the arctic

**Author's Note:**

> obviously bent some canon by giving main character a position of command but who even cares. i had this plot in my mind for a while and figured why not write it and then - why not post it, so here it is. got a bit lengthier than i initially expected but i guess i just like creating a mood. enjoy! comments are welcome.

They say woman on a ship is bad luck. Men don’t want women on a ship. Not only because it’s bad luck, but because with days, sometimes years at sea, make men less gentlemen compared to if they were back on land. You understand all of this. You always did, ever since you were a little girl. But you had a dream.

Hailing from a family like yours you always were strong-willed and stubborn. But that didn’t make you very likeable among men whom you wanted to see you as their peer. Nonetheless your perseverance led you to where you are now – HMS Terror, 1st Lieutenant to Captain Francis Crozier. You didn’t want this job, neither did Crozier. But you both wanted to be at sea, far from main land, far from worries and hurts of places you both called home.

You know you were only chosen as a Lieutenant because of Crozier. And not because he wanted you but because he wasn’t the first choice for this expedition, so he didn’t get best men to sail with him either. In your case – you probably are the least wanted person on this ship, or any other ship, but you still hold your rank and so you ended up here, at the end of the world, with Francis Crozier commanding one out of two ships that are meant to bring glory to the Queen.

The Passage.

The mysterious destination no one has seen with their own two eyes. Now that you’ve been aboard for enough time to clear your mind, you are starting to get excited about your goal. Yes, you are not particularly liked here but it doesn’t matter now. You’re here, on this expedition, and there’s no way out of this now.

You hear a knock on your cabin door and it quite unpleasantly jerks you from your thoughts as you were writing in your daily journal, meant to keep the record of day’s events.

“Yes?” you ask and Jopson sticks his head inside through the crack he just made.

“Captain wishes to see you.” he says simply and you nod.

“I’ll be there right away.” you close your journal and Joplin’s head disappears, then the door closes.

You were not out of your clothes yet so all you need to do is put on your coat and hat. Which you do, button up and head out after putting out your lantern.

One thing you always enjoyed while being on the ship is how your boots sound while walking on the wooden floor. You love this ship; she’s been through so much and yet still sails. In a sense, you suppose, you feel connection to HMS Terror. The name itself instils respect and admiration in your heart.

As you walk by men, some, of the lower ranking, greet you politely. Those of higher rank, but obviously still bellow yours, give curt greetings, like they can’t accept the fact that a woman is higher than them in the chain of command. This doesn’t bother you at all. You’ve been experiencing pushbacks and mockery and even sinister remarks and treatment ever since you entered the Navy. But as long as they show required respect – you are fine even if their tones are not friendly.

After rapping your knuckles against the Captain’s door, you nearly immediately hear permission to come in, which you do. After you close the door and turn to face the room you find Crozier sitting by his desk, usual tumbler of whisky in his hand.

“Come, sit down. Care for a drink?” he asks already standing up to pour you a glass and you take off your hat while approaching the chair and sitting down.

“Yes, thank you.” you respond even though Crozier is already pouring amber liquid into a clean glass. He returns and hands you your drink, you take it and watch him sit back down as you settle your hat on a desk. “What did you want to see me about?”

“Nothing much, just felt like I could use company.” Captain replies and takes a drink from his glass, closing his eyes for a moment and then looking at you after he swallows. His glass ends up on the table with a dull thud.

“Very well then.” you nod and take a sip.

First one always burns your throat but you don’t frown nor show any other discomfort. Like any other higher-ranking sailor, you are already used not only to harsh conditions on deck but also to harsh meals and drinks.

“Do you ever feel lonely, Lieutenant?”

Questions hits you like a wet rag across the face. Your eyes snap to Crozier who’s watching you with calm expression, his fingers still gripping the glass on the table.

“What do you mean by that, Captain?” you ask and take another sip, trying to quickly assess the situation, trying to understand what answer Crozier is seeking, what is his goal.

“You know what I mean, Lieutenant. I mean you being miles and miles away from civilization, only woman among men, not particularly liked by them either.” he explains and you open your mouth to reply when he slightly pauses, but Crozier is not done talking yet. “And you’re a woman after all. It must be hard to be on a vessel this big, expedition this hard, in conditions so unforgiving. Even though I do understand that any heavy labors on deck are in the past, yet Lieutenant work is still not an easy one.”

Silence falls. But it’s not heavy. You don’t sense hostility from Crozier, you never did when you were talking to him either with other men present or privately like this. You’ve known this man for years now and even though this is your first voyage together you still don’t think of him as your enemy. He’s your Captain and you trust him. Like you assume he trusts you.

Returning from your thoughts to the situation present you look down at your drink and spin the liquid lazily.

“You’re right to assume it’s not easy to be a woman on Terror. But you forget I’m not just any woman on her way to visit her husband on a foreign land.” you lift your eyes to Crozier and meet his gaze. “We are on an expedition to find The Passage. I knew where I was going when I signed up, Captain.”

“You most likely did. But I’m still concerned this journey is taking its toll on you, Lieutenant. I don’t want you to think I’m treating you differently just because you’re a woman but I also understand that my men have individual needs and so do you.”

You let out a short exhale of realization and manage a crooked smile.

“So that’s why I’m here? To ask if my gentle womanly self is not too tired already? Maybe if I am, to suggest taking one of the emergency boats and sailing back to the mainland? Is that’s why I’m here?” you ask as your fingers grip the whisky glass tighter. To relax even a little bit, you lift it to your lips and gulp down at least half of what you had there.

“Now, now. No need for hostility. I am just concerned about you like I am for other men.” Crozier’s face is a bit sterner now and when your expression doesn’t soften, he raises from his chair and walks to the window, glass forgotten on the table.

You look down to your own glass and drink what’s left, letting the warmness in your stomach to spread and take the edge off. When you turn to locate Crozier, you find him standing in silence, his hands clasped behind his back, solemn look on his face.

“Sometimes I worry for this expedition.” he mutters like he’s talking to himself rather than you.

You stand up and walk closer, standing by his side but with respectable space between you.

“Do you have Sir John in mind?” you ask but Crozier slightly shakes his head.

“No. Well yes, I think he’s too optimistic and doesn’t understand dangers of the Arctic. But also the men aboard. Most of them are good, strong-willed men ready for what’s coming and worse. But some men…” Captain trails off and you understand perfectly what he means.

You look outside the window as well. Not much can be seen, it’s dark. Except for water. You know that in day or two both Terror and Erebus will start encountering ice as you get closer and closer to the unknown.

“We will see what fate brings us.” you say silently and Crozier looks at you, but you don’t notice that, the view of the dark sea captures your full attention. “Whatever comes our way, we will push through, Captain.”

“Can you stop with that.” Crozier suddenly snaps and you look at him, surprised by sudden change in tone.

“Excuse me?”

“You know what I mean. You don’t need to call me Captain when there’s only two of us.” he cocks an eyebrow and you do the same.

“You do understand that ships don’t have secrets, do you?”

“Yes, goddamn it!” he raises his voice just a bit and walks back to the table, back to his glass, drains it.

“Captain, please understand that-“

You start but don’t get to finish as Crozier in three big and angry steps reaches you, grabs you by your upper arms and looks you in the eyes.

“Stop.” he half whispers half growls from his anger and you don’t know why calling him by his title invoked such sudden rage.

“I don’t understand.” you frown, not feeling his fingers squeeze harder, possibly leaving bruises.

Crozier spends a moment longer staring you down then let’s out a sigh and his grip loosens, but he doesn’t let go.

“Do you forget that we didn’t meet here, on Terror? Do you forget that we used to be friends? I need a friend right now, not a Lieutenant.” he explains as calmly as he can but you understand what he means behind these words. He means what you were to him that one night back in England. That one night when you both were desperate for someone to trust. That one night you haven’t spoken about since.

“If you need a friend, I’m here, but you are still my Capt-“

You don’t get to finish this sentence either because Crozier loses his patience and roughly presses his lips against yours. Your eyes widen and you notice he closed his. You feel anger and frustration nearly shaking him and something in your heart loosens up like a spring that was pressed down for too long. You close your eyes and push back into a kiss just a little bit, still not sure if you two should be doing this. You feel tension in Crozier’s body retreat and you rise your hands from your sides, gripping his waist gently.

Captain pulls back from the kiss and you both look at each other. You see panic flash in his eyes and it’s getting bigger and bigger. It was a moment of impulse but you don’t want him to panic.

“Cap-“ you start but stop. “It’s okay. I won’t tell.” you reassure him as you stand, still holding each other, for some reason not wanting to let go.

“I should not have done that. It’s against the rules, the laws on-“ Crozier’s eyes start darting around the room like he’s looking for salvation

You don’t know what suddenly comes over you, but you rise to your toes and kiss him this time yourself. It surprises Crozier so much he stiffens, his grip on your arms getting firm again. You pull back just enough to look him in the eyes, tips of your noses almost touching.

“Francis…” you whisper and that’s enough for him.

He rushes into another kiss, this time not unexpected for either of you. There’s so much passion driving you both that the kiss nearly turns into bites. Francis’ hands finally let go of your arms and push you against his body by the small of your back. Your right hand leaves his waist and slides upwards on his chest, finding an entrance underneath his coat between two buttons, letting you feel the warmth of his body through his jacket and shirt.

Francis breaks the kiss but not the moment, and his lips trail down your jawline and onto your neck, kissing you there with greed while his hands press you even harder against him. Even through his warm long-coat you begin to feel him getting harder and harder. It ignites the fire in the spot between your legs, making your womanhood ache to interlock with his.

Unexpectedly everything stops with a knock. You and Francis freeze, your eyes snap to the door as Captain raises his head and looks at it too.

“What is it?” he asks loudly not wanting to let go of you, hoping that whatever business it is – it won’t make him open that door.

“Captain, Commander Fitzjames wants to see you.” Jopson’s voice seeps through the wood and that is enough to make you and Crozier step back from each other.

You quickly check your uniform and find it undisturbed, then walk to the table and take your glass, intending to pour yourself more whisky.

“Come on in then, he will probably want tea.” Francis responds after he gives you a short glance and Jopson enters.

He looks briefly at Captain, then at you and notices that both of you have red skin around your lips. He tries to swallow down a knowing smile as he rushes to retrieve the tea-set.

“Does Commander want a meeting?” Crozier asks as he takes his own glass and walks to the decanter to pour himself a new drink.

“No, Sir. He made it clear he wants to talk to you alone.”

“Then you’re free to go, Lieutenant.” Francis looks at you and you curtly nod, put your glass down on the table, put your hat on and leave.

As you make your way to your room you keep listening to your boots on the wooden floors of HMS Terror and smile. You can’t help it, you don’t want to help it.

And you don’t care if your men see you and judge you for it.

Not tonight.


End file.
